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These are all the poems I have ever written, comment back to me and let me know what you people think, if you do comment on them consider this...I started writing a lot of them when I was real young so there may be some that seem juvenile.

~All on A Full Moon~

The moon is growing to its full size again. That means another two or three days without sleep, dreams or crying yourself to sleep wondering if everything will be all right. Life is a game; it can be as cruel and as harsh as it wants to be.
It is often a shame to see everyone dying in pain. Dreams are dreams, hopes are hopes and prayers are prayers. It all doesn’t matter with the choice you have to make: To live or to die. Who knows why? People hurt inside as well as out, mentally as well as physically. People laugh. People cry. People stare with funny little glares saying glad that’s not me who’s hurting so deeply inside.


~I’ll Get You~

Our eyes have met,
Our lips not yet,
But don’t you worry,
I’ll get you yet.

~Tears~

My tears still burn my pillow,
My hearts still filled with pain.
My brains still scarred with memories of you,
That I never took in vain.
My body misses your tender touch.
My lips still miss the taste of yours,
Pressed so sweetly up against mine.
Wishing we were back together.
Together, forever.

~Desperate and Lonely~

Desperate and lonely,
Hungry and scared.
She sits and stares,
With an unfamiliar glare.
Who will realize no one cares?
She’ll sit there crying hour after hour,
Until she finally cries herself to sleep.
Then there in the darkness she’ll lay down and die.

~Alone~

All alone, not a single soul in the world to rely on. He crosses her mind once or twice and she thinks of how she can’t ever have him, because no one knows she even exists. All alone, not a single soul in the world to love or care for her. She often wonders where her parents are and why they haven’t been there for her. All alone, by herself, Forever, Eternally.

~Street Corner Side~

Standing all alone on a street corner side,
Watching the birds fly by,
Gracefully, Peacefully,
Drifting far into the southern sky.

~I Wanna~

I wanna die, I wanna cry,
I want you there by my side, your hers not mine,
Though I wish you were because I love and need you.

~Fade Away~

When the sun sets on the third day, our love will start to fade away.
There’s only one thing that we can do to prevent this from happening.
A kiss, a kiss so soft and sweet that it’ll prove our love for each other
is still going strong. The kiss we’ve both been longing for,

~Dream of You~

I dream of you all day and all night,
Wishing you were here holding me tight,
Hoping we’d be together, forever.
In a dream we are,
But in real life we’re not just yet.

~Goodbye~

It seems as if we met just a short time ago.
If this is the end, I hope to see you again.
I hope and pray that you won’t be far away.
If this is goodbye, why haven’t I cried?
You told me you’d miss me, I’ll miss you too,
But don’t ever forget me, because I’ll never forget you.

~I Won’t Forget You~

Why do you have to leave? Why do you have to go?
It seems as if you came here such a short while ago,
and you’re leaving all ready? You’ve made a difference in all
of our lives. We’ll miss you forever or until we see you again.
If Ever.

~Live Without Love~

To tell me to live without love is like locking e up in a cold dark room forever and throwing away the key. It’s sentencing me to death in its own mysterious ways. To tell me to live without love is like reaching deep into my chest and tearing out my heart without a single care in the world if I live or if I die or if I’m hurt or if I’m scarred so deeply inside.

~Forget~

Forget his name, forget his face.
Forget the warmth of his embrace,
And that loving smile upon his face.
Forget the way he told you he loved you
And the way he treated you.
He’s nothing more than a memory now.

~Shooting Star~

As I awoken late last night I awoke to a beautiful sight.
The full moon shone so bright.
It was to my delight to see what I had seen that night:
Another man falling desperately in love,
A cry filled with loneliness,
And a soft woe of hope and that it will soon arrive.

~You Can’t~

You can’t eat, you can’t sleep.
Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep.
Who cares if you live?
Who cares if you die?
No one knows why,
You’re always so lonely you cry.

~Barney~

The once was a guinea pig whose name was Barney.
He was small round and black but rather quite charming,
The uniquest of all with a brown black paw.
Tears are often shed, because now he’s dead.
I’m rather quite sure that we’ll never forget our memories of him.

~Empty~

An empty wall in an empty room.
An empty road leading to an empty house,
That’s been deserted for years.
An empty thought inside of an empty dream,
Where no one is to be seen.

~Fall~

Fall’s coming, fall’s coming,
What a beautiful time.
Fall’s coming, falls coming,
It’s almost wintertime.
Fall’s coming, fall’s coming,
It’s hibernation time.
SWOOSH!
It’s wintertime.

~Life~

Life can be like a play, after what is all said and done you just pack up your things and leave. Saying good bye to all of the friends you have made along the way, but you make sure not to forget he one in your life that have helped you make it to where you are today,

~Hidden Feelings~

Sometimes I don’t know if I can go on with life any longer.
Without you, what is there to live for?
You meant everything to me and more.
Since I know I can’t see you any longer I cry and cry feeling all scared inside.
I try so hard not to let it show, even though I love you so.

~Friends~

Together we share a common backbone.
We’ve shared our secrets, our problems and our heartaches.
But now we face the biggest problem of them all:
Life or Death.

~I Don’t Understand~

Why do I always let myself down?
Why do I always fool around?
There’s thing I don’t know,
But really should ask.
Like what makes the worlds go round and round?
Why didn’t our relationship last?
Were we taking things a little to fast?
I don’t understand the world today.
But I wish I could in its every way.
It hurts not to know these questions I ask,
But it’s hard to keep them in my past.

~Why Did I Believe?~

Why did I let myself believe that you loved me,
And all of those sweet lies that you told me?
It hurt me so deeply I can’t understand.
What went so wrong? I thought that we’d be together
walking hand-in -hand forever
But I guess that things can’t always be this way,

~My Life’s A Game~

My life’s a game that never ends.
I’m being played by every movement of the dice.
No one knows and no one cares how I feel inside and out.
There is only one ending to this long endless game and that is to die.
Then at once this game will stop and start up with a new person.

~Died~

The day you died, I cried.
I never got to say goodbye.
Then the gates of heaven opened,
And you came to me and said goodbye.
I cried

~Friend~

I once had a friend who was straight.
She wasn’t really all that great.
Her heart and her mind were full of hate,
And she’s trying to come out of this mental state.
She walked into my yard,
Thinking her shit was hard.
I had to be on my guard,
Because she was a big fat lard.

~Deep Dark Water~

Surrounded by the deep dark waters around me,
No longer a part of your world, no longer a part of mine.
But in between worlds not knowing who or where I am.
With each gentle touch our souls slowly intertwine to become more whole.
I long to live...I long to see...I long to hear...I long to feel
The emotions of my souls and to be at peace with the world around me.
I’m surrounded by the deep dark waters around me.
No longer a part of your world.
But no longer a part of mine.

~Pain~

Even though the sun shines all around me,
My life always seems so dreary,
The world around me is bright and alive.
The world I see is dark and dead.
To them life is all fun and game, to me?
An endless chore! What a bore!
I can not see if I’m coming or going
All I know is the world keeps turning.
When will it all end?
I can’t stand the pain!
No one knows about it but me.
I don’t let it out, I just try to hide it inside.
Go Away! Go Away!
I’ll tell you once more Go Away!
There’s no reason to stay.
Why won’t you just go away?
My heart and my mind are full of anger and hatred.
Life’s a bitch, no good to me.
I’m trapped in hell and I want to be set free.
So please if you can, don’t give me your hand.
Just set me free. No! No!
Please don’t do that help me please I’m going to die.
Get me out of this cell I want to be free, I long to be free, I yearn to be free.
Too late...Just too late. I can feel the grim reaper waiting at my door,
Here for me. Well this is the end of my time so...
Goodbye... good bye cruel world... good bye forever.

~I Can’t Stand It~

I can’t stand it anymore!
Let me go blind so I can’t see all the hurt expressions on everyone’s face.
Let me be deaf so I cant’ hear all the people who are crying out in pain.
Let me die then I won’t feel this pain anymore.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t shed a tear,
Not a day that goes by where I’m not living in fear.
Please help me if you can, help me.
Don’t just sit there laughing. Give me your hand.

~Every Time~

Every time I look at you,
My heart seems to break in two.
Scattered pieces on the floor,
I really don’t think I can take anymore.
Harmless lies in my head.
With thoughts to get you into bed.
With fluttered thoughts of you I pray,
That your love for me won’t go away
And hopefully one special day
Things will always remain this way.

~Why?~

Where is it all going? Why can’t I see?
It’s so unrealistic, it’s hard to believe.
My dreams turn into disturbing nightmares,
that wake me up deep within the night. My life is such a fright.
Wandering eyes in my room, searching for things they are able to consume.
I must get out of this wretched place!
What more of this hell is there left for me to face?

~Dream World~

When the world I’m living in is all a blur,
I tend to drift off far away from everything around me.
I drift into a mystical, magical place.
A place of joy and a place of happiness.
I’m finally safe from my surroundings.
I’m gone for a while, but not for good.
Though I wish I was.
I’m soon to return to this hell I’m living in,
Back to this hell they call my life.

~Endless Road~

My life is an endless road, full of fear, full of tears.
The memories form my past haunt me like a disease.
I have to run fast, I have to run away from the pain,
It’s seeping into my veins. It haunts me like a plague,
But doesn’t go away. How long will this all last?
It’s preying on my mind. It’s soon to take over,
In time, I’ll slowly go crazy. In which I already am.
No one will notice or even care
They’ll just wake up and see one day I won’t be there.
It will be the end of my time.
So goodbye now goodbye, and don’t bother to cry.

~Escape~

My head is spinning. Voices are screaming,
I need to get out of here, I need to escape.
To go some where, to be somebody.
To do something with my life,
Other than to just sit here and let it waste away to nothing.
The world right now is still. I’m not going anywhere.
I’m in a horrible place. All I can see and feel is darkness. Why?
I don’t know I just wish it would go away, someday.
Then maybe, just maybe, everything will be ok.

~Rain~

Rain falling down on me, like angels from above.
Darkness surrounds me and slowly takes over my soul.
Grieving over loved ones I fall, I fall hard.
Not awakening for anyone or for anything.
Except for when it rains...
In which I am finally at peace.

~Reflection~

I look at my reflection in the mirror and what do I see? I see a fat, ugly no body. Then I sit and wonder if I’m fat and ugly, why do people tell me I’m not?
Everyone lies then! Why? Is it that they are all trying not to hurt me? I don’t know, I was cursed when I was younger to be fat and ugly forever and to have bad luck, and oh god! It’s driving me insane. Please help some one, please release me from this evil spell. My life has been such a hell! Then maybe my reflection will change and I’ll excel form this ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. But please reflection please, just hurry up and change.

~Cry~

As the days go by, I choose the nights to sit and cry, not wanting to be seen because I’m supposed to be strong. So when it’s night, I lie down in my bed and in the darkness I let my heart scream and my brain think as much as they want to about how much my life sucks. I’ll quietly let the tears roll on down my cheeks until I am finally fast asleep.

~No Body~

Day after day goes by and I lie down in my bed and cry. I cry and I pray everyday; hoping that no one will realize how weak and unstable I really am. I try so hard not to let it show because I have to be strong and if I cry it shows signs of weakness then they’ll see that I really am no body. So here we go again, and I’ll do my best to cover it up and I’ll pray so that no one will see that I am no body.

~Messed Up~

So many things are running through my head. It’s getting harder and harder for me to concentrate. I’ve been so confused for so long now and really don’t know what to do. My life is all screwed up. I’m a failure, that’s all I do is let every one down. I try not to but it always happens. I’m lonely too, it seems as if no one ever wants to be around me. I’m scared and afraid of what is to become of me and my totally messed up life.

~Confused~

Confused and alone, lost and scared, I cry, I sit, I think and then cry some more. I’m supposed to be in love, I’m supposed to be adored. I’m told I am but I’m not so sure. A while ago he told me he loved me, but now I don’t know. I know I love him and honestly don’t know what I’d do without him, but I’m not so sure if he feels the same way. Why oh why can’t I have something more...better something where I’m sure 24/7 he’s in love. Hopefully one day my true love will come, but until then I’ll just continue to be confused.

~Love Struck~

I’m happy and in love, my heart’s racing, it’s going one million miles an hour.
I can’t wait until I see him again. I love him with all of my heart and all of my soul, so there’s no way that I’m ever letting him go. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. No one can beat his love. He tells me he loves me and I can truly believe him. He is so comfortable to be around and I’m so totally in love with him.

~Missing You~

I miss you so much that you’re the first thing on my mind when I awaken in the morning and the last when I fall asleep at night. I’m so happy when we are together and with the way you look into my eyes, I can tell that our love will be pure and strong forever. My heart aches without you, wishing you were here with me in your strong arms keeping me safe. I miss you and know you miss me too, but until I see you again, I love you and know you love me too.

~Blue~

My life’s a bitch, confusing and never ending or so it seems. What am I going to do? I love you, but do you love me? Oh I don’t know! Help me God please!
My stupid mindless thoughts are all dangled up in my head, sometimes still wishing that I were dead. Oh what do I do? I know that I love you, I know I do, but debating whether you really love me or not is making me so blue!

~Confused 2~

Confused, in between lives, not knowing what to do.
Life’s weird but yet mysterious ways attack me one by one.
Making my thoughts even more flustered than before.
Life is not a game and Love is not a prize to be won.
Just thinking its self puts me in a daze.
Often life and love tend to scare me away from the glorious heavens above,
Life’s pointless ways and endless days put me in a panic.
I’ll then think bitches they’ll pay!
But no way! Why can’t we all just come out and play?

~Love~

Love is so fragile, like a frill red rose.
But only I was the rose.
You tore me apart , like I was nothing!
You said that you’d always be there,
You said that you always would care...
But you had torn up my petals and you had used them for potpourri.
But in a small amount of time, I’ll be ok... I will be ok!
I’ll get over you and I will move on.
Sooner or later, I’ll have to.
I may forgive you but as for forgetting you,
I will only forget our bad times. However I will cherish the good times.
For you were a learning experience.
I also now know that I’m not meant to be with you forever so...
It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over now so...
Good bye...
I’m finally moving on!

~Tonight~

Scared, my body is trembling, awaiting for my love to come.
Glancing around I try to perfect everything in my candle lit room.
Ahh my bed, so soft and pillowy...
I lie down for a while and my cozy satin sheets get all messied up.
I’m anxiously waiting for my love to come tonight.
For tonight will be the night, that we finally become one.

~I’ve Cried~

I’ve cried a thousand times too many.
Tear after tear rolls on down my cheek.
Night after night.
Day after day.
Something is telling me that my life isn’t right.
What have I done so wrong?
What didn’t I do right?
There’s an endless battle in my head.
Where there are millions of words waiting to be said.

~Back~

You were gone, but now your back.
Once again you’re mine at last!
We’ll be together forever, just like we always said we’d be.
Being without you made me realize how much I really do love you.
Just please don’t ever leave me again.
I love you.

~Hell~

My life is a terrible never-ending dream.
I’m living in hell with no one it seems.
I know I’m there...and alive, but no body notices me.
I feel unwanted, like some dark creature that lurks in people’s shadows,
I’m invisible, people have been walking all over me.
I can’t stop them, it hurts, and I’m scared.
What is to become of me?
Everybody seems to be so cold-hearted and cruel.
If there wasn’t any snow, I’d be convinced I am in hell.
I’ve been hurt and backstabbed and walked all over too many times.
I’ll just crawl in a dark corner and try to hide now.
Hopefully that way the evil demons from hell will finally leave me alone.

~Hurt~

My hearts been torn out of my chest, kicked around and trampled on so many times. It hurts my heart is scarred, it doesn’t seem like its healing. I’m afraid to love again. If I do, will I be hurt again. My heartaches. I need to be really loved, truly and sincerely under any circumstance. I like him a lot, but I’m so afraid to commit. Does he love me? Will he kick my heart around like everyone before? Are all guys the same, are they all just pigs? I really need to find out. I don’t need to get hurt anymore. My heart can’t take anymore pain.

~Dreaming Of You~

Night falls, I’m in my room thinking of you. I get ready to lie down to sleep, still thinking of you. In a deep sleep I dream that we’re finally together and I dream that you make sweet love to me and I fall asleep in your arms. In the morning, I wake up and your there, which makes me feel like the happiest women in the world! You wake up and kiss me then grab me and just hold me in your strong arms, not wanting to let me go. Then the telephone rings and I wake up to answer it. I smile because of my dream of you wishing and hoping that it will come true.

~Failure~

I’m a failure, a failure to myself. I’ve tried and tried again, so many times to kill myself, so I can get out of this hell. I hate my life. Every time I’ve tried unfortunately I have never succeeded, though I wish so much I would’ve. Nothing good ever happens to me therefore nothing good is to ever become of me except for being another rotting body in the cemetery. God, with how much my life and I both suck, rats wouldn't even eat my rotted flesh when I die. Maybe the next time I try to kill myself I won’t be such a failure and I’ll actually succeed.

~Vicious Love Cycle~

Love and everything about it is so confusing! You want to love, you want to be loved but when you do and are it scares you away. Then you cry and wonder why you don’t have what other people do, How come you’re not loved? It’s a cruel, harsh vicious cycle, which rarely one breaks out of without much practice. Why fear love? Is it the heartache? Is it the fear of commitment? Or is it a product of getting hurt so many times? Is it the fact that the ones you’ve loved haven’t loved you back? It could be all or just one, but until we know this vicious cycle of love continues.

~Lonely~

Although I am loved I still feel so lonely, almost incomplete.
I am so insecure that it pisses people off, but still they say they love me!
How can that be? If I am loved by so many people, how come I still feel so alone? How come I’m so sad? How come I always feel so empty inside?

~Mother~

M is for mom, the most caring person I know.
O is for observant, the way she watches my every move to make sure I don’t mess up.
T is for tender; she loves me no matter how I act.
H is for heavenly, for the way she does things that appear to be impossible.
E is for exquisite the way she so easily does things no matter how hard they appear to be.
R is for resilient, the way she never gives up on me no matter how hopeless things appear to be.

~Do You?~

Do you love me or do you not?
Please tell me sweetheart because I forgot.
Am I love or am I lust?
Please tell me now because our relationship is lacking of trust.
Do you want me by your side, or do you have too much pride?
God sometimes you make me wants to run and hide.
So if you want me please tell me now, so I can get my mind unscrambled somehow.

~Dream of You~

Night falls, I’m dreaming of you. In my oh so perfect dream we were finally together. You looked longingly into my eyes and pulled me in for a deep intense kiss. You whispered that you loved me so soft and true and seductively I whispered “I love you too” As if by magic music started playing in the background. Underneath the moon, we lied on a bed of roses all night holding each other tight. When I dreamt of you.

~You~

Without you, I’m nothing.
No matter what I say or do,
My love for you will always be true.
Honey, I’m useless without you.
Just like a lock without a key.
Will our love forever be?
Will you always remain with me?
Further more I pray that in every way,
You and I will be together in each and every way.

~Undying Love~

My love for you is undying and true.
Without you my life is miserable and blue.
With every choice I make, I make out of fear.
Fear that you’ll hate me and never hold me so dear.
I take every breath for granted.
Just as I do the setting of the sacred sun;
A star which shines so bright it makes me awaken without any fright,
As for the rest of the stars in the sky, let them be your guide;
A guide to me, so that forever it can be you and me.

~Agony~

I push myself away,
Away from those I love and truly care about.
Without even realizing it, I mess all my relationships up, then wonder why things went bad.
But later blame myself.
I put myself through such pain and agony though I don’t have to.
This makes my life a living hell.
When will I learn, learn to let those in, whom I love and I know love me in return?
I’d better learn soon.
For one day it may be just too late.

~Lesson in Love~

Grieving over you is the last thing I though that I’d have to do.
We were young and in love each others whole world.
But that world fell apart quicker than it was made.
One day out of the blue, you walked in and said we were through.
You said you were in love with another.
That from the minutes she walked through the door you became completely mesmerized by her beauty and with a single flip of her hair she had a firm hold of your heart.
This ripped mine out in the process.
I was taught a valuable lesson that day.
A lesson in love and that not all of it lasts forever.

~Strangers~


Their eyes met one crisp autumn morning while strolling in the park.
She became infatuated with him while staring into his dark, mysterious eyes.
He had asked her to join him for a latte and without thinking, she immediately said yes.
For hours they sat and talked about everything which lead them to find out that they had the world in common.
They stayed enjoying each others company until midnight when the coffee shop closed, which he then walked her home and they exchanged numbers.
They saw each other a few times after that and were starting to fall in love but one day on his way to meet her at “their” coffee chop tragedy struck.
He was his by a car and instantly died. Mourning over his death, she decided she wanted to be with him and she shot herself.

~Losing You~

Losing you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through
Although we were apart for quite some time;
I still felt connected to you because I still loved you.
Finding out about your death was one of the worst days of my life;
But the mystery of it still remains:
Was it murder or was it suicide?
My soul won’t be able to rest until I can find out the truth about what really happened to you.

~Gone~

Days have flown by and months have passed.
But I can still feel your presence.
It sickens me that you’re gone and still the keeper of my heart.
I felt so safe in your strong loving arms.
I thought we’d never be apart......
But you’re gone,
There’s not a day that passes where I don’t think of you.
Hell I’ve even seen your face a time or two and had to double check to make sure that it wasn’t you.
Then sadly I weep, and remember I’ll never see you again.
The gods took you away from me.
But I still can’t face the fact that you are gone.

~Why Me?~


Why me?
Is this the horrible path I’ve chosen?
A path paved with fear and grief?
No joy has yet to come my way.
For I am taunted and teased with it.
As soon as things start to look good and finally go my way,
I am stricken down hard!
Like a blow to the heart.
This pain is almost unbearable.
But I go through it everyday.
Everyday it just worsens.
There’s a huge gaping hole in my heart which cannot be mended without the love I need and crave.
Without this I will just wither away.

~Confusion~

You say you like me, then say you don’t.
Spend hours on end with me, then completely ignore me for a day like I’m a pest.
Easily you get jealous, especially when I hang out with other guys, even though we’re not together.
You need to make up your mind.
Because I unlike you what think seem to think,
Will not wait forever for you.

~Hatred~

I loved you.
You loved me not.
The games you played tore me in two.
I gave you way too many chances with my heart and you blew it.
Never again will I look at you with adoring eyes,
These eyes are now filled with hatred towards you.
I was a fool to think that you were different.
I harshly learned that you just like most guys are a narcissist chauvinist pig.


~Me~

I look at me and what do I see?
I see a big fat blob.
A nobody.
I’m unwanted and unloved.
All alone in this crazy world with out a soul who cares about me.
I’ll die a lonely old lady of 80 alone and scared in her bed and won’t be found until my apartment starts to stink of rotted flesh.
Me, an unwanted nobody.

~Waiting~

As I lie here bleeding in the dark,
I realize what it feels like to have your heart torn out.
I lie in my bed.
My pillow drenched with tears.
I stare at the knife as it falls out of my right hand.
My left arm now cut and bloody.
My satin sheets now stained red.
How could you do this to me?
How could you lie to me?
I thought you loved me.
I guess I was wrong.
Now I’m here alone in the dark waiting to die.


~Dying~

Lying on the floor.
Staring at myself.
My head’s spinning in circles.
My life flashing before me.
The once white carpet is sticky and stained red with my warm blood.
I’m lying there.
My chest slowly rises up, then down, up, and then down.
As time passes my breathing becomes more and more shallow then eventually stops.......

~Death~

Pools of blood all around,
Naked corpses on the ground.
Risen souls everywhere,
Bodies flying in the air,
Bound and gagged to a chair,
I try to scream but none is heard,
Putrid air filling my lungs.
The stench of death fills the room, and begins to consume my every bit.

~Closure~
I gave you my heart,
You tore it in two.
You hurt me more than anyone ever had before.
You drove me crazy with the twisted games you played,
Your mind set to destroy my every being.
You made me love you,
Give up everything that mattered just to be with you and you turned me away,
Heart broken and homeless,
I had nowhere to go.
But yet you still had a firm grasp on my heart.
The longer I loved you,
The worse life was.
I was at the point where I didn't want to live anymore,
And you didn't care.
You claimed you loved me,
But you didn't care!
That's what killed me.
What ended it all
I didn't want to deal with the pain anymore,
So I said goodbye and let you go.
Even though I hate you now, for all the crap you put me through, and for hurting me so much,
I still do care.
I will never again love you though.
And I hope you hate yourself and that you are miserable and lonely forever without me.
Because I am perfectly happy without you.

~Darkness~

Invisible, afraid, and alone.
Surrounded by darkness.
Struggling to get out.
I scream, but no one hears or notices.
I try to move, to find a way out and I fall,
I fall into o a deep dark pit.
Semi-conscious, barely breathing, paralyzed by fear,
I'm unable to speak.
I begin to cry and it becomes harder to breather.
I pass out, slip into a coma and die.

~Crave~

My body aches,
At the sight of you, my knees get weak.
How I want you,
I need you!
I crave your kisses, I crave your touch.
I want to feel you, for you to feel me.
I want you to crave me as badly as I do you.
Give into temptation and let me pleasure you far better than anyone has ever before!
Fall in love with me all over again.
And this time have it turn out right.

~Reality~

Can it be?
You and me?
Together forever living happily?
In a dream maybe,
But this is reality.
A reality where nothing good ever happens.
Darkness prevails.
You lose touch with yourself and the world around you.
Your soul withers away.
Inside, you’re completely dead,
Emotionless, unable to feel.
You cut to make sure you’re still alive,
The blood you see reassures you that you are.
But you know the truth,
You’re barely alive,
This isn't a life at all.
It's a sick, sad joke you have to live out until you die.

~Games~

You want me, then you don't.
You kiss me so sweetly and tell me everything will be ok, when in reality it won’t.
You play these games that hurt me so, and still expect me to want you.
I've been hurt enough and can't take anymore pain.
I'm through with your games for good this time.
So tell me now, because I need to know exactly what it is you want from me...
Friendship...
Love...
What?
I really need to know.

~Emotion~

Confusing emotions control my being.
Scared and alone in this crazy world,
I have no one.
I try to grasp on to something, anything that appears to be real just to have a sense of belonging and safety,
And I hold onto it with all my might,
No matter how horrible it may be, because it lets me know that I'm still alive.
I'm invisible to everyone,
No matter how loud or how much I scream, no one ever hears me.
I have no family, no where to live.
Too tired to ever kill myself.
I lie down in a gutter,
Scared, cold and alone.
And wait there to die.

~Love to Hate You~

I love you,
I hate you,
I can't live my life without you.
I miss you so much when you’re not around, and you’re always on my mind.
When you are around you make me so happy,
Yet you confuse me so much, because I don't know what you want from me.
One day we're lovers,
The next we're just friends.
I really can't take these games anymore,
They're driving me insane!
I don't want a fling,
I need, want and deserve the real thing,
So do you, or don't you want me?

~Tired~

Tired of the pain,
Tired of the loneliness.
I feel so empty.
I no longer wish to be here.
Desperate for someone to love me,
I lie in the darkness and cry,
Waiting for someone to come and care for me,
No one ever comes.
No one will ever be able to love me.
I'm tired of living this life,
Tired of never having anyone.
I'd rather die than go on living like this nay longer.
I hate being alone,
Having to pretend I'm ok with it and happy when I'm not.
I need someone,
Someone to love and love me.
Maybe then it'll stop hurting and I won't be so lonely anymore.

~Trapped~

Don't wanna live like this any more!
Sick of the pain.
Sick of the abuse.
I need to find a way to escape.
I must get out of this horrible place,
I have to run away!
Or is this my horrible fate?
To stay here in this hell and put up with all this pain, never again to be happy?
God, please make all this go away,
Help me get out of here.
I'm trapped here and no one cares.
I can't deal with this anymore.
I want to die to get away from it all.

~Escape~

Cold and alone,
Staring out the window,
Watching the raindrops fall.
Waiting here patiently for someone to come and rescue me.
In my heart though, I know no one will come.
I hate this day,
I hate this life.
I want to die, just so I can escape it all.
Lying down, wondering where my mom is and why she hasn't come to help,
A sense of fear comes over me, and my body begins to tremble as I draw the knife closer to my wrist,
Thinking that I must get away and this is my only escape, the blade pierces my skin and everything does black.

~My Darling Love~

My darling love is ever near,
Tell me is it your heart that I fear?
A sweet kiss, a warm embrace will be all it takes to win this heart away.
Shadows fall upon thy brow,
Come handsome stranger tell me now.
What is my love if it is not of service to you?
What is a love is it is not so pure and true?
Come my love and tell me who can love you as much as I do?
Who can make your heart touch the sky?
Try to look for the answers, but I'll tell you no lies.
No one can love you as much as I.

`Free~

The pain of my loneliness tears me in two.
I've been stuck in the dark for so long now, that a speck of light gives me a sense of false hope.
Consumed by bitterness and hatred my soul withers away.
I need to get out of this loathsome place.
I need to be free,
To run with wind,
And to be able to feel the warm sunshine on my face and cool grass beneath my feet, and actually be able t enjoy it.
Set me free,
Free of this pain,
Free of this life,
Free of everything.

~Then You Came Along~

Badly burned,
I've been down for so long,
My heart torn in two,
I thought I would never love again,
But then you came along.
You helped me to smile again.
Helped me to see what the future holds,
And I know now that my future is you.
I want you to be in my life forever,
I'm so much happier with you,
I don't want to find out what it's like without you.

~My Dreams~

In my head,
In my dreams,
Your gleaming eyes make me want to scream.
Put in a trance by your heavenly touch,
The words you say melt my heart away.
I lie in your arms and breathe you in.
I begin to fall in love,
Listening to the hypnotic sound of your beating heart.
Feeling so safe,
Knowing that you'll never let a single soul hurt me,
I fall asleep in your big, strong arms.
I lie there for a moment, realizing how wonderful your arms feel around me,
Knowing that this is the greatest feeling in the world.
Then I look up at you and smile.
You kiss my forehead and tell me you love me,
But only in my dreams.

~Eternally Yours~

My love for you is eternal and strong.
I am and I will forever be yours.
So grab me and hold me tightly in your arms and don't ever let me go.
Because your arms is exactly where I belong.
It feels so safe and warm in your arms,
I can spend an eternity in them.
I feel so comfortable and safe with you,
I could fall asleep in you arms and be able to wake up everyday with a huge smile upon my face.
That's why I am yours and you are defiantly mine.
Forever and always.

~Get Away~

Must get away,
Must get away from this place that I fear.
My thoughts are trapped and mangled in my head with no where to go.
Confused and dazed,
I feel so numb and afraid.
I'm all alone,
I search for something that seems real and safe and try to grasp onto it, and I don't let go.
This gives me some comfort and a sense of hope.

~Tonight~

Look into my eyes and take my hands,
Guide me to your bed of roses, underneath the starlit sky,
And ever so gently take me in your arms and lie me down.
Kiss me so sweetly,
Nibble my ear,
And say those words I long to hear.
Close your eyes,
And hold me tight,
Love me with all of your might,
Make love to me tonight.

~Your Effect~

My knees are weak,
My body shaky.
My heart pounding so very fast.
With your warm embrace and gentle kiss,
You completely make me yours.
My body begins to tingle and my legs go numb.
You gently lie me down,
The sating sheets feel cold, yet so good under my naked body.
You kiss me once again, but this time hard and passionately and tell me how much you love me.
You gently kiss my neck, and make love to me so soft and sweet, then cuddle me.
I feel so safe and at home in your arms.
It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
I fall asleep so easily in them,
You kiss my forehead and hold me tight all night.
Nothing has ever felt this right.

~Fly Away~

Come fly away,
Far, far away.
Stay with me in a land where we can forever be free.
We'll ride on a rainbow,
And sail to the moon.
Drift through the stars then fall asleep on the clouds.
Peaceful and free,
Forever we shall be.

~Bottled Emotions~

Frustration,
Anger,
Hate,
Rage.
All of these emotions bottled up inside me,
Desperately searching for a way to be released.
With each day that passes,
The worse these feelings become.
I've been holding them in for so long now I'm ready to burst,
And at the smallest thing I probably will,
And then for a while I'll be free,
Until the feelings build up again.

~Teardrops~

My teardrops drench my pillow.
My heart is wrenched with pain.
As I think back to all those memories we shared,
Things will never be the same.
I'm sad and lonely.
I sit there crying in my room,
Praying for something to come along that seems more real than this.
My thoughts are trapped in my head,
Waiting to be said.
I sit and I cry and I try to hide,
Hoping it'll save me from myself,
But it never does.
It just gets worse...
And never goes away...

~Miss You~

I miss you like crazy,
I always will.
Being with you is my greatest thrill,
You mean more to me than life itself.
You are my everything,
My light when it is dark,
My ray of hope,
When everything appears hopeless,
You give me the strength I need to keep going.
You fill this void I once had.
I no longer feel empty when you’re around,
Without you, I can feel the emptiness,
But not as much, because I still have you.
I hurt and I cry when I'm not with you,
But knowing one day I will be makes me so happy and gives me a sense of belonging in this crazy, fucked up world.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I love you and always will

~Lies~

Lying, wallowing in a sea of pain and self hatred.
Poison seeping through my veins.
I'm lying here in shame.
I can not hide from this pain I feel inside.
Music playing drowns out the sound of my cries.
I cry uncontrollably and no one wonders why.
This pain I feel is way too real.
If I die will it subside?
Can nobody hear me?
Can nobody feel my pain?
This pain that is driving me insane.
Vicious lies and alibis,
All these people I despise.
Can't you hear my sorry cries?


~Hurt~

So sick of this pain.
So sick of the lies.
So sick of trying to hide my crying eyes.
I trusted you
I believed in you.
But you let me down
And you hurt me so.
What did I do to deserve this?
What did I do?
It must have been horrible.
Pain like this should not exist.
Pain like this should not be felt.
Yet it does and I feel it.
It becomes more and more real each day.
It doesn't go away; it only seems to get worse.
Why won’t it go away?
I don’t want it to stay!
I wish I had the strength to hate you
I hate myself for not.

~Fear~

Alone and lonely,
Shaking with fear, trying desperately to hide my tears.
Overwhelming smells fill my room.
I try not to move for fear I will meet my doom.
I lie still and take it trying not to fight,
Knowing if I do, he will take my life.
I try so hard nor to cry; I know the pleasure it would give him if I did.
I pray that he will stop soon and leave and that I will be ok.
After what seems like forever he finally leave, not before saying he's kill me if I told.
I lie and cry after he leaves.
Lock all the doors and windows and hope he doesn't come back.
I walk into the shower and turn it on as hot as I can stand then I collapse.
I curl up in a ball and cry,
Wishing I had died.

~Haunted~

Haunted by the memories of my past,
Tortured by the pain.
I run and hide,
Trying desperately, to escape the harm I may cause myself.
Voices in my head, won't go away.
Screaming getting louder;
Bash my head in, still they won't go away.
Make it stop please, make it stop!
Scary voices in my head,
Telling me I'd be better off dead.
Bash my head in again.
Voices grow fainter,
World grows darker.
Someone please save me from myself.

~Loving You~

Shining sun, all around.
Sparkling rain pouring down, water lily's on the ground.
Gentle touch on my skin,
Passionate kisses I'm caving in.
Loving you is so easy to do.
I can't wait to spend my life with you.

~Good Night~

Night has fallen, It is time to go.
So, good night my love to sleep I go.
Until tomorrow comes,
I will be dreaming of you, until we meet in the mornings dew.
Sleep well my love and may these sweet dreams come to you.

~Broken~

My soul is broken, I'm all alone.
Tortured and scared.
Trying so hard not to live in my past.
I fall to pieces over the slightest things.
Paranoia becomes me, I try to chase it with drugs that don't always work,
Then I cut and I begin to feel human again.

~Tranquility~

Warm sun, cool breeze.
Lush grass, green tress.
The fluttering of the birds and the buzzing of the bees.
Blissful day;
My blues start to fade away.
Watching clouds in the sky;
As peacefully time slowly drifts by.

~Ode to Melissa~

Oh my glorious goddess, Melissa be thy name.
Her flowing hair that falls all around me,
with luscious red lips that kiss me so sweet and the most amazing eyes I could happily get lost in forever.
The warmth of her embrace makes everything better, any bad immediately turns to good.
And her touch, oh her soft, sensual touch, how my body yearns.for it, craves it.
Every sense is massively heightened when around her, my heart beating so fast sometimes feels like it will pop out of my chest, and my whole body tingles and quivers, as if it were made for her.
For I can not get enough of her.
Even a lifetime is too short.
She is my soul mate, the one who completes me and makes my heart whole, it is for her I live, and can not live without.
 
 
 
 
 
 
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I am a friend, a lover, a fighter and a survivor. I have overcome many obstacles to get to where I am today. I have stumbled and fallen numerous times and still have managed to get back up. I have fought many demons, survived what seemed to be impossible. I will continue to fight and survive until my time in this world is over. This journal is me battling my obstacles and what I come across along the way. If you would like to be added please comment and I will most likely add you, just keep in mind that I have a very low tolerance for bull shit, I do not need anymore drama in my already chaotic life.

<3,
Amanda
 
 
 
 
 
 
So, I've been with bzzagent.com for a few years now and totally adore it. You get sent products, try them out, tell other people about them, pass out any samples you may be given and write reports and get mypoints. Totally fun and easy. This new campaign I'm doing is called smarterer and its totally fund. you go to the site, create an account and take tests. It's great to pass time when your board or just test your knowledge on stuff!



Totally fun I just got done testing my Disney movie knowledge!

 
 
 
 
 
 
In 5 weeks and 3 days I'll be married! Today was an okay day. I say okay because I'm pmsing and have really bad cramps, if it weren't for that today would've been great. Martha came over and we had dinner and watched the Phantom of the Opera, and now I'm listening to the soundtrack. Love the movie, love the music. :) Next week we're gonna watch Moulin Rouge. Plans for the wedding are coming together quickly. Looks like we'll have about 30-35 people max, which will be nice and small. :)